In Her Own Words

Ashtyn Susan PoulsenFROM ASHTYN:
I was at school and didn’t feel well.  I felt like collapsing so I called my mom to pick me up.  She came in and I told her I needed to go to the doctor.  We went to the Holladay Instacare.  I was really scared because I have always hated getting poked with shots.  They poked me five times trying to get some blood to get answers.  Finally they told us to go to Primary Children’s Hospital.  I was flipping out and crying.  When I went home to get my stuff, I was really scared to see doctors, get more pokes, and I didn’t want to spend the night.  Who wouldn’t be scared of the hospital?  Seriously!  My Grandpa Poulsen gave me a blessing.  I do not remember any words but it gave me more comfort than what I had.

After the blessing we went straight to the car and headed off with our stuff.  My mom drove her car.  I went in my dad’s car, just me and him.  We talked.  He said that whatever happens was meant to happen.  That gave me even more comfort so I was calm and peaceful.  When I got to the hospital they gave me one poke to get more blood.  They told me that it could be mono or leukemia or aplastic anemia.  That took all of my comfort away and I was crying and hoping that I wouldn’t have leukemia.  The doctors kept talking about leukemia and that made me even more frustrated.  Then they told us to spend the night.  I thought I would only spend one night and go home in the morning.

A few days later when I found out I had leukemia I cried.  I was scared to be in the hospital longer and I didn’t know what to do.  I felt lost and couldn’t feel the Spirit.  But after a few days I realized that leukemia is not as scary as you think it is.  The word is scarier than what it really is.  I knew that I would be better soon and that God would give me strength to do whatever I had to do to get better.  Not that it’s not scary but it’s not as scary as I thought it would be.

I learned that I will lose my hair.  They need to give me medicine so I can get better and the medicine will take my hair.  I am willing to give God my hair and He will give me strength for whatever they do around here.

My bone marrow procedure was the first time I had a procedure with falling asleep.  I was scared but at the end it really wasn’t anything.  Now that I know what kind of things they do here I am prepared for more procedures and I am prepared for anything….except the NG tube.  Before my CT scans I had to have an NG tube to give me liquid needed for my CT scan.  It was one of the worst… actually it was the worst thing I have had to do here so far.  Now they tell me to have 1500 calories a day.  If I don’t do a very good job at eating the calories, I will have to have another NG tube.  I am trying my very best and forcing food down me.  Even though its hard eating, I think it’s worth not having the tube.  The tube is awful!  Today I felt so full and nauseated.  I threw up around 5pm.  Throwing up is still better than having an NG tube.  I will not give up because I know that I can prove these doctors wrong.  After I threw up, I let my stomach settle for about an hour and then I had some KFC macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t throw up again tonight.

I hate this place. A lot.  I am so annoyed when doctors come in my room.  I hate when the doctors come in, sit down, and talk to me.  It seems like their mouths never stop moving and it annoys me.  I sometimes feel stuffy because my room is so small.  I feel I need to breath a little.  I hate being closed in.  I just want to go outside and take a breather.  That sounds nice, just to go outside.  I hate the fact I am a patient.  I don’t like getting so much medicine.  I do not like some freaky nurses.  I hate when hospital people come in and ask me personal stuff and they never seem to leave.  It’s just not cool.  I don’t like being hooked up to an IV pole.  I hate eating so much.  It seems like I am always eating or my mom is always nagging me to eat.  I don’t like throwing up but sometimes in the end it feels better.  I hate the idea of all of this hospital crap.  I hate all the medical words.  I hate how I am woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.   I hate being away from home and family.

I like visitors and all the cards that people write me.  I like the stuffed animals and presents.  I like to be able to sit in bed all day… well maybe not.  I like that I’m not needing to do any school right now.  I like the thought that I will go home soon…. I mean eventually.  I know that everyday I am here, I am another day closer to being done with this sickness.  Everyday I am here is a day closer to being able to go home.  I haven’t been bored because of all the presents and stuff people have given me.  I know a lot of people are supporting me, loving me, and praying for me.  It gives me more hope and makes me want to fight harder because I can’t let down the Army.  Thank you for all the support and love that you send me.  I am glad to have such wonderful people beside me.  That’s amazing how strangers are reading about me and are concerned about me.  It’s awesome to have friends to lean on and know they’ve got my back.  I love when my family comes to visit.  I love their support and love for me.  As much as I love my siblings, I try not to think much about them.  It makes me so sad to think about them and makes me miss them more.  My mom and dad are always there for me.  My mom is always here in the hospital with me and my dad tries to be here as much as he possibly can with his work schedule.

Sometimes I feel sad.  Sometimes I feel scared.  Sometimes I feel energetic and fired up to do this.  Other days I feel hopeless.  But at the end of the day, I feel ready for whatever’s going to come to me next.

I know that God gives me strength every day and He helps me in everything I do.  He understands what I am going through.  I know angels are surrounding me and protecting me.  I can just feel it.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I know something good is going to come out of this.  I know everyone’s prayers are helping me.  Prayers work.

18 responses to “In Her Own Words”

  1. You are a beautiful, inspiring person and I am lucky to be able to read all about you through this blog. Keep up the strong attitude and you will make it through this!

  2. Ashtyn, you are amazing! I marvel at your strength and prayer for you and your family daily. You are such a beautiful young woman. I shouldn’t have had favorites but when I was a nursery leader when we were in the same ward you and Chandler were always my favorites. It’s so fun to see what a great young woman you’ve grown up to be. I’m so glad you know Heavenly Father has a plan and that he loves you deeply. He is always there despite the pain and hardship, you are never really alone.

  3. I know we’ve never met but my mom had been sharing your story with me. You’re strength inspires me. To be so young and have such a spiritual awareness is a glorious gift. Stay strong Ashtyn. We’re all praying for you.

  4. Ashtyn,

    We don’t get to see you much but I am glad we got to visit with you and your family at your grandma Susan’s house a month ago. I want you to know that the Jackson family is thinking of you and is following this blog, fasting and praying daily for your quick recovery. Thank you for inspiring us. Suzanne, you are a rock and we love you too!

    Love Chad Jackson

  5. Ashtyn, I love reading your thoughts, thank you so much for sharing so openly on your blog. You are brave and inspiring! You can do this! Our family continues to pray and think about you every day. Hold on to your faith and know Heavenly Father has a plan for you. You are awesome and we are so grateful to be part of your army. Love, Lisa & Brooks & family

  6. Dear Ashtyn,
    We love your sweet, honest, insightful thoughts about your trials and we know that angels are really with you, and some of them are not out of this world! We served with your father in the Singapore mission just a few years ago and you have good stuff in you! He was one of the very best and we know you are too! Our love and faith and prayers are with you, now and always, Dennis and Ramona Dalling

  7. Ashtyn,
    I was so touched by ur words! I am actually a nurse on the unit you are on at Primary’s. We just haven’t met yet… I’m also friends with Nanette. She told me how amazing you are! I can’t wait to meet you! You are an inspiration to so many! 🙂

  8. Ashtyn,

    You are a beautiful girl. I have watched you grow up as I’ve seen you at various Fairbanks Family Functions over the years, but I’ve never had the honor of getting to know you personally. I have been praying for you from the moment I heard you were ill, and I’ve been enjoying reading this blod as a way to keep up with how you are doing and to learn more about you. I love you, dear. Keep being strong, you are my inspiration.

    Love Bree

  9. Dear Ashtyn,

    Hi! It is Amber from school, I just wanted to say that we all miss you at school and hope to see you soon. My parents and I are determined to keep up with how you are doing and feeling on your Facebook page and your blog. It makes us realize that there are more important things in life, and that we need to pay attention to all of those things and not worry about all of the little and useless things in life. Well, I hope I can come and visit you sometime. It will be fun to see you again. Hope you have a Happy Valentines Day.

    With love,

  10. Hi Ashtyn, I love the picture of you in this post- beautiful! I think about you pretty much all day, and pray every night for as speedy and easy-as-possible recovery. I picked out something for you this weekend; I’ll check with your mom about a good day/time to visit. Don’t feel bad about missing school- just the same ‘ol math,word study, social studies notes, and science. Blaaaaa, right? 🙂

    <3 Ms. Skrocke

    • Dear Ashtyn,
      I know we don’t really know each other but that doesn’t matter because we’re cousins.I hope you feel better and don’t get bored so much at the hospital because I know I would and I hope that you just keep believing that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and he loves you lots.I also hope that you’ll actually get to take a breather soon!I hope I will get to meet you sometime and even though I don’t really know you I still am praying and supporting you.Yeah this is going to be a really random comment but I love your faith and you are beautiful and I know you are going through the right path.Not very good at writing things but I believe in you and hope you’ll get to do some stuff you want to and not be stuck inside a little hospital room.Bye

  11. Ashtyn I just had to tell you that I think you are an amazing person and I look up to you and your family. I know you can do this, i’ve seen you conquer piano songs you thought were too hard for you 🙂 You are in my prayers everyday!

  12. Dear Ashtyn,
    You are such an amazing little girl! I’ve known you since you were three and I know how strong you are! I think of you often and I am praying for a healthy and speedy recovery for you! I hope when Charley is here we can see you sometime! I love reading your blog and I think what you are doing (documenting your journey) is really neat! Stay strong wee one!!!!

  13. Ashtyn I love you! You are so strong and amazing! I think about you and your family all the time. You are in my prayers always.
    Love you,

  14. Ashtyn,
    You and your family are amazing. Morgan keeps me up to date on what is happening and how happy she was to visit you. Thank you for the blog and sharing your feelings. That is important for you and for us.

    Love you,
    Mrs. Moore 🙂