Tag

Strength

From Ashtyn

By | Daily Life, Looking Up, Spiritual, Trials, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 20 Comments

Beautiful AshtynI was Ashtyn’s scribe tonight as she shared some of her thoughts:

I don’t think Ethan and I, or Morgan and I, or Chandler and I, are going to fight much anymore.  We are closer now even though we aren’t together.  I feel it in my heart.  I can feel them with me.  I’m glad it’s me doing this instead of them.  It breaks my heart to think of them having to go through this.  I hope that none of my family members have to come here.  I don’t care if it’s an adult or kid, nobody deserves to be here.  It is the hardest thing ever.  I hate this place so bad.  It’s not fair.  If I saw family members here I would feel sad and it would break my heart.  I couldn’t stand it if Ethan had to go through this.  He wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I would hate to see Morgan have to go through it too.  She wouldn’t be able to handle it either.  Chandler would be able to handle it better than Morgan and Ethan, but wouldn’t handle it very well.  I am able to handle it because I know more about what leukemia is.  I know a little bit more of the routine here.  Before this, if you asked me if I could handle cancer, I would say “no.”  I couldn’t imagine it.  But now I know I am strong.  I know that I’m worthy of feeling the Spirit and feeling God.  He is the reason I can do this.  I think after I am done with this disease, things wont be so scary anymore.  Before this I couldn’t do shots. It would scare me to do doctor’s check ups.  But now shots are nothing compared to this.  A shot or a check up would be like the smallest thing compared to what I am going through here.

It’s scary here.  It is scary knowing you are in the hospital getting all this medicine and all the IV stuff.  It is scary having doctors concerned about you and talking about scary stuff.  They talk about a bunch of medicine.  They talk about the worst things that can happen.  The scale of things that can happen to me or my body is pretty big.  There are a lot of bad things that can happen.  I’m not talking death and stuff.  Bad things like infections that I can’t fight off, or fevers, or being here a long time.  The physical therapists tell me about what can happen if I don’t walk so it makes me want to walk everyday.  It scares me to walk because I might fall.  My muscles are so weak and aren’t working properly.  It’s hard to walk even a couple of steps to the bathroom.  I need to sit down a lot.  I can’t really move my legs very well.  When I walk in the halls with physical therapy I have to wear a mask that irritates my face that has a rash on it.  I don’t like when nurses and doctors talk about NG tubes.  It’s scary because if I don’t eat enough I will have to get one.  I really want my white blood cells to go up so I can eat and drink.  I really hope I get as big of an appetite as I can.

It’s hard to have the energy to play games.  Basically all day I watch TV, movies, and lay in bed.  I am trying to do all I can so I can take as little medicine as possible.  I don’t take pain medicine anymore for my mouth and throat.  I don’t like being hooked up to stuff.  After showers it feels good to not be hooked up to the IV pole with stuff going into me.  Laying in bed is not that comfortable.  I have to change sides a lot because it hurts my rash if I lay on one side for a long time.  The hardest part about being here is being away from family and knowing that I am in a hospital.  But what gets me through it the most is knowing that I will go home and that God will never leave my side.

It’s scary looking at myself in the mirror without hair on my shoulders.  Thinking about being outside and not having the wind blow my hair or having to pull my hair back kind of scares me.  Sometimes it makes me feel ashamed that I have to be here.  Shaving my head was one of the hardest things.  It made me feel awful.

Once there is hair on my head again, the disease is gone, and I don’t have to worry about cancer,  I will be a better person, sister, and friend.  If anyone goes through a hard trial, I sort of have more experience.  Whether someone is in the hospital or just having a bad day, I know most feelings now.  I know how it feels to suffer awful pain.  I know how it is to be mad about yourself.  I know how it is to be mad at God.  I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and turn away in shame.  I know what it feels like to be trapped, not able to go anywhere.  I know what it feels like to be weak.  I even know how it is to question if there is a God, if the church is true, and if the scriptures are true.  I remember being so sick and yelling at God for not helping me.  I’m kind of mad about being mad at Him because if He wasn’t here, and if I didn’t know about the gospel, I would… I just can’t imagine what it would be like.

I know there is a God and only one true God.  I love Him.  He comforts me everyday.  When I got chemo I couldn’t feel Him but I know He was and is there.  I am so grateful that I know the gospel is true.  I am grateful that I can be worthy to feel the Holy Ghost.  Now I have 100% more faith in Him.  I had a bad trial last year when my parents got divorced.  I thought that would be the worst possible thing that would happen in my life.  I thought I had so much faith and now compared to then, I have more faith than I have ever had.  I feel Him with me.  When I can’t feel Him, I hate it.  I just have to know that He is there, He loves me, and I will be OK if I have faith in Him.

How is this trial going to change me?  I think I will feel better about myself.  I’m going to be stronger.  I will be able to help people with trials and I will be able to give them advice.  I will be a better missionary.  I will have more faith and more love in my heart.  I will have a stronger testimony in the gospel and in Jesus.  I’m glad that someone knows exactly what I am going through.  Every pain and sorrow that I feel, Jesus Christ has felt it.  I am glad that I have someone to talk to because He understands everything.

What was I like before this trial?  I hated my hair.  I hated how it was thick and I had to straighten it everyday.  I should have been more grateful to even have hair.  Before this experience I felt like I was a wimp.  I couldn’t do sports very well.  I couldn’t get shots without freaking out.  I couldn’t stand the thought of needles.  I worried about the smallest things that really don’t matter anymore.  I didn’t have faith in myself.  I didn’t think I could do what everyone else did.  I thought I was bad at everything.  I thought I stunk at running.  I didn’t run the fastest, even though I wasn’t the worst.  I didn’t have faith when we were doing PE.  I didn’t think I could kick the ball far in kickball.  In my brain I would say “no” before I even tried anything.  I didn’t think I could talk to boys or new people.  I didn’t have much faith before tests and thought I would fail.  I thought I was ugly.  I thought I didn’t have cute clothes or cute shoes.  But now that I think about it, I had more confidence than I realized.  Looking back, I did talk to boys.  I remember conversations I had with them.  I remember talking to new people and even made a really good friend that was new this year.  I didn’t realize how many friends I had or how many people cared about me.  I always thought someone was making fun of me behind my back or talking about me.  I thought I was hated.  Now I realize I was worrying about stupid things that really don’t matter.  Once you are in the hospital and going through this, you realize what you had that you never recognized.  I think I never had confidence.  I never believed in myself the way I should have.  I didn’t think I could do anything right.  I didn’t have faith in myself.

After this I think I will have a completely different point of view in life.  I won’t care so much about how I look or how my hair will be.  I won’t try to impress people by being someone I’m not.  I will still care about friends and who I come in contact with.  I will have more faith in myself and know that I can do anything.  At school I will know that a lot of people care.  In PE I will probably be able to do anything that everyone else is doing.  I won’t say “no” before I try.  I won’t be so insecure.  If I do something wrong, it won’t be as big of a deal.  I will just know that I am beautiful.  I will know that I am strong.  I won’t doubt God again.  I will be able to trust Him more.  And I’ll probably not want as much junk food as I did before because now it all sounds gross. Ha Ha.

My mom told me today that when I was really sick (I can’t remember being so sick), I told her that my great grandma Holt, who passed away in November, visited me a couple times. In the post my mom wrote that I said “my great Grandma told me that everything is going to be okay.  She told me to have faith.  She told me to focus on today, hope for a better tomorrow, and know that God has my back.  She told me that I am strong.  She told me not to listen to what people are saying in my room because no one knows what my body can do like I do.”  Thinking that my great Grandma said those things gives me a little bit more determination to go home.  It is kind of like a boost to my spirit.  I believe angels are here guarding me and protecting me.  I can feel it.  I know dead family members have been with me.  They have protected me and helped me get through another day.  I know everyone’s fasts and prayers have helped me.  I probably sometimes don’t know how the prayers have helped me but I know somehow they have.

My rash hasn’t really improved yet but it hasn’t gotten worse.  I still can’t eat or drink much. My legs feel weak. My arms are itchy.  I know everyone prays for me and fasted for me Sunday.  I know the fast will help me soon.  I haven’t lost my faith by me not getting better right away.  I know eventually I will get better in God’s time.  Thank you for your support and for the fasting and prayers for me.  I know each person is helping me.  Each prayer has helped me be able to be stronger.

Ribbon Tying to Show Support

By | Inspirational, Looking Up, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Today I was woken up by a phone call from a reporter for Fox 13 News Utah.  From 11:45 am to 1 pm Canyonview Elementary School had plans to tie lime green ribbons around the school to show their support for Ashtyn.  The news channel was covering the story and the reporter wanted to interview me before heading to the school.  She hoped that Ashtyn would want to talk but I knew she wouldn’t feel up to it.  She came to Ashtyn’s room, asked me a few questions, and headed to the school.

Ashtyn’s dad was at the school and had this report. “The school staff, students, friends, and family gathered in green shirts to show their support and love for her.  It began with many friends and loved ones tying green ribbons around every tree and pole on the front of the school grounds.  As each grade finished their lunch all of the kids would come out and tie green ribbons on the fence spelling out Ashtyn’s name.  Many of the kids asked how Ashtyn was feeling and when she would be returning to school.  Some of them gave gifts to be delivered to her, many of them wanted to make sure Ashtyn knew how much they love and miss her, and two boys in her grade even took the time to write and sing a guitar duet they had written for her.  A beautiful banner was hung on the front of the school and the school marquee had a message of encouragement as well.  For those people who were there it was overwhelming to see all the love and support people have for Ashtyn and their strong desire for her to overcome this challenge.  But with every person who was there we know there are countless others who would have loved to be there if possible or who support Ashtyn in other ways.  It was an outward expression of love for her that was overwhelming.  For those of you who were there and for all those of you who were unable to attend we want to express our gratitude for everything you are doing to help Ashtyn recover.  It does not go unnoticed.”

Here are more messages from friends and family that I received:

“Happened to drive by Ashtyn’s school today.  Started crying.  So amazing.” Friend Maria

“I thought it was awesome!  The fence with her name in it looks amazing as does the front of the school.  I pointed it all out to my 9th grade daughter on our way home and she was very moved.  For me it was really special since my kids went there and it was such a coming together of various groups of special people in my life.  Parents like me who no longer have kids there, my fellow gym rats, and of course all of the kids! It is beautiful!” Friend Krista

“I took off part of the end of school so that I could make it.  It was worth it.  It was just really special.  She truly has an army behind her.  Her family, friends, and anyone who supports her are amazing.  You could tell that it wasn’t just that the kids got to climb and jump on the fences but that they really cared and want Ashtyn to get better so that she can come back home.  Every day I see kids walking home with big green A’s on their backpacks or ribbons.  There is also green ribbons on mailboxes everywhere.  It’s also great to see the way that she has inspired everyone.  The entire time I was there I overheard conversations talking about the strength your blog gives them, and how Ashtyn lifts the spirit of their children and their families.  I hope she knows how beautiful she is whether her head is shaved or not, it doesn’t make a difference.” Friend Amber

“Wish Ashtyn was feeling better.  She would have liked to have seen the kids at school cheering her on with chants of ‘let’s go Ashtyn!’” Family Jared

“It was really touching to see everyone come to support her. She has some really great classmates. Everyone was very eager to tie a ribbon for her.” Friend Jennifer

“I was so overwhelmed by the army for Ashtyn.  Our school is limed all the way.  There were so many people there.  It was overwhelming and so awesome. The kids were so awesome and excited.  The kids came in and loved the decorations. My heart is so full tonight for a beautiful young lady who is going through a tough battle. I love this amazing family so much.  There was so much love there for you and Ashtyn and your family.  How can someone not feel the compassion and embrace the spirit that is going on?  It makes you burst with the spirit and energy.  You and Ashtyn were there in spirit. I know Ashtyn feels my love.  I know you feel my love.” Staff Roberta

“I had a wonderful experience today. It was so uplifting to be with a group of people who were outwardly showing their support for a very brave young lady. I had an epiphany while I was there. Yesterday, I spent time whining that I had too much to do. Today, I gave gratitude for all my many blessings.”  Staff Shelley

“I was overjoyed by the turn out and support and donations of ribbons.  I loved seeing the kids and their love for Ashtyn.  It truly warmed my heart. I was excited to see friends and family and neighborhoods showing support.  So much talent.  Alone, trials are impossible but together as Ashtyn’s Army we can do hard things.” Family Kristi

“I think everyone felt good being able to be together and see and feel the unity of love and support that we all feel for Ashtyn, you and your family. It seemed to be very worthwhile for the kids. I could see that they care a lot about Ashtyn and it was a good way for them to show that they care.” Neighbor Julie

“I thought it was amazing how all those people came for Ashtyn, and how many caring hearts are out there.  I knew Ashtyn had an awesome army there for her, but honestly the ribbon tying blew my mind!  Ashtyn is an awesome girl and deserved every bit of what we did today.  Seeing all of those people there for her made me so happy for her.  Really it didn’t make you feel bad for her, it made you happy there were so many smiling faces while helping Ashtyn.” Classmate Nikki

“It was very inspirational and everyone was supporting her.” Classmate Nicole

“I thought it was really amazing and made me feel really happy that so many people are supporting her and in her army! It was so fun to go and tie the ribbons and see all those bright green shirts! I know Ashtyn will feel so glad that she has everyone in her school supporting her.  I really loved it!” Ashtyn’s friend Kaylee

“I thought it was heart warming to see what the parents put together for Ashtyn, and that so many students were happy to participate.  I was glad to see everyone putting so much effort into showing their support for Ashtyn.” Classmate Abigail

How was Ashtyn’s day?  Simply said, she doesn’t feel well.  She did tell me five reasons why.  The worst thing she’s dealing with is a painful throat that always hurts.  There continues to be sores in her mouth.  Her feet and hands feel hot and prickly.  The rash that covers her body is annoying and itchy.  And her body is so tired.  Ashtyn doesn’t complain much.  She’s pretty quiet throughout the day and keeps herself occupied mostly with sleep and the Disney Channel.

Today she went on another walk in the hall.  Her legs got tired easily and her feet started burning and itching.  Still she walked.  Ashtyn wanted to try eating and drinking.  She tried a couple sips of root beer, one nibble of a Milano cookie, one bite of an animal cookie, and considered a sugar baby.  It’s not much.  Still she ate and drank.

“Today I am grateful for sleep, pain medications, Biotene Mouthwash that keeps my mouth clean, pillows, and soft food.” Ashtyn

Today I am grateful for Canyonview Elementary school, the staff, students, friends, and family members that made the ribbon tying a special and successful event.  I am grateful to be a member of Ashtyn’s Army and numbered among the large group of people known already for their faith, hope, love, goodness, tenderness, and positive perspective.

Classmates

Ethan

Morgan

AshtynsArmyBanner

Chandler

Alisa-and-Millie

Ashtyn’s Army

By | Daily Life, Looking Up, Prayers, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 23 Comments

Ms. Fricker, one of Ashtyn’s teachers at Canyonview Elementary school, commented “Know the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child?’  Well, it takes an army to kick cancer’s butt out of that village.  Help show Ashtyn she has an amazing army behind her. She is a tough little girl and is fighting one heck of a battle.”  She is completely right.  Ashtyn is fighting one heck of a battle.  More importantly, it is going to take an army for Ashtyn to triumph.  I have never been more sure of anything.

I sometimes fear the spark in the Army will die down.  I panic to think what we would do without you.  I am certain of Ashtyn’s outcome if the Army loses faith or ceases praying for her.  But the moment the fear comes it is replaced with faith in the Army.  I know we won’t be abandoned.  Ashtyn won’t be forgotten.  We have soldiers on the front line fighting.  We have soldiers standing back with prayers in their hearts waiting for the call to attack.  And when the most fierce attacks are needed, I have no doubt that the entire Army will stand together united in strength and faith to pray, serve, and send all their positive energy with determination to not quit until that battle is won.  The Army will then stand on guard for the next battle.  And so it will go until all battles have been won, the war is complete, and Ashtyn stands triumphant with complete health.  But health is not all she will have gained.  She will look around at the thousands of members of her Army.  She will see thousands who have hearts like God and love like her Savior.  She will see thousands with faith that will change the world.  Thousands with hope that will change lives.  Thousands with goodness that seeps into countries and states.  Thousands with tenderness that improves communities.  Thousands with perspective that strengthens families.  Thousands with purety that softens homes.  And then she will know that because of her strength and faith and the strength and faith of her Army, lives were changed for good.  Her life will be changed for good.  And then she will take her health and all that she learned from you, and will press forward to the next war she’ll have to fight.  She will continue on with life triumphing over all that is in store for her.  There will be no stopping her.  And there will be no stopping you.  Together this world will be forever better and forever changed.  That is what Ashtyn’s Army will do.

Who is a part of Ashtyn’s Army?  You.

Ashtyn’s Army includes family members, friends, and strangers.  However we are all “family” bonded together, united in a common cause.  The Army comes from all cultures, religions, and walks of life.  We couldn’t have it any other way.  We need religious and non religious.  We need spiritual and non spiritual.  We need young and old, male and female, rich and poor.  That’s what makes the Army powerful.  Power comes from the unique gifts and talents each individual has to offer.  Power comes from each individual heart and mind.

One thing the Army has in common is each member has a good heart.  Hearts that are sensitive and tender to the suffering of others.  Hearts that rise up to do good.  Hearts that rely on faith in all it’s unique forms.  Hearts that care about others instead of only thinking of themselves.  Hearts that have hope for a better world.  Hearts that know this world is not as dark as some might wish us to think.  Hearts that know the power of prayer.  Hearts that know the power of optimism and positive thinking.  Hearts that are confident and strong, willing to do what it takes to make a difference.  Hearts that know even the smallest act of kindness or the shortest prayer or the slightest bit of hope is power enough to cure a child of cancer.

Thank you for being a part of Ashtyn’s Army.  Ashtyn has recieved letters, messages, cards, balloons, blankets, necklaces, fun activities, books, stuffed animals, and gifts of all varieties.  I have family and friends waiting for word to come to the hospital to entertain, uplift, and support Ashtyn.  There are others actively bringing me meals and taking care of my needs.  Many people work behind the scenes, giving of themselves and sharing their gifts and talents.  Ashtyn’s elementary school has rallied around my family.  Chandler’s school staff are supporting him. There is a photographer documenting milestones and an IT computer expert building and managing her website.  We have amazing friends and neighbors who bring dinner to my children every night.  Each Monday my house gets cleaned by two dear women.  My family tutors, entertains, and carpools my kids to their various activities.  There is a friend who moved into my house to be the at-home caretaker.  Others invite my kids on fun outings, give hugs, and provide them with needed attention.

There are church congregations around the world remembering Ashtyn.  Her name has been added to prayer chains in different religions and is on the prayer lists at L.D.S. temples in many locations.  She has been enrolled under the special patronage of Our Lady of Lourdes in France and Illinois.  There are many families who pray for her morning and night.  Children include Ashtyn in their prayers daily.  Fasting and prayers have been dedicated to her with her specific needs in mind.  Hundreds think of Ashtyn and hope the best for her.

Ashtyn has heard from people all across Utah and the Salt Lake Valley.  Support has also spread around the country and across the world.  She has heard from people in California, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona, Colorado, Missouri, Georgia, Virginia, Florida, Washington DC, upstate New York, Quebec Canada, Ghana West Africa, Botswana South Africa, Japan, Argentina, and Venezuela.

I am in awe at the strength of Ashtyn’s Army and how it has changed her life already.  Every member is valued. Every member is needed.  Indeed it does take a village to raise a child just as surely as it will take an army to kick her cancer’s butt out of that village. Thank you for being apart of Ashtyn’s Army.

“Cancer may have started the fight, but we will finish it.”

She Chose This

By | Daily Life, Miracle, Spiritual, Trials, Uncategorized | 18 Comments

Ashtyn and I are spending our 25th night in the hospital.  She is no longer being kept awake by nausea, vomiting, coughing, mucous, diarrhea, bloody noses, restroom runs every two hours, shortness of breath with fluid in her lungs, or an extremely swollen mouth.  She isn’t suffering from a high temperature, high heart rate, or high respiratory rate.  For this we are grateful.  For this my heart rejoices.

Tonight Ashtyn was being kept awake because of sadness.  Sorrow that she can’t go home.  Sad for losing her hair.  Worn out from the pain.  I don’t know what it feels like.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to leave the hospital.  I don’t know what it feels like to lose my hair.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to eat or drink.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed and walk around on my own.  I don’t know what it feels like to be stuck to an IV pole with medications constantly going into my system.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to shower and go to the restroom in privacy.  I don’t know what it feels like to have strangers coming into my room all the time asking, “How are you?” when clearly I am not OK.   I don’t know what it feels like to have visitors come, only to have them leave and know that I can’t leave with them.  I don’t know what it feels like to have constant pain in my mouth and throat, even though I should be happy they are healing.  I don’t know what it feels like to have leg pain and not feel like rejoicing that it’s a sign the bone marrow is starting to make cells.  I don’t know what it feels like to not want to think about life outside the hospital and what I am missing out on.  I don’t know what it feels like to not allow myself to think of what used to make me happy because those things would only make me sad.  I don’t know what it feels like to have no control over anything other than what side of my body I sleep on, what finger the oxygen monitor goes on, and what TV station or music is playing.

Ashtyn Sleeping WIth Picture Of Jesus

Ashtyn Sleeping WIth Picture Of Jesus

Tonight Ashtyn finally fell asleep at 4:30 am listening to Pandora’s LDS Hymns and looking at a picture of Christ loving children.

When I see the physical and emotional pain Ashtyn is going through, I feel sad and have shed tears with and for her.  However, if I had the ability to take this cancer away from her, I wouldn’t. You heard me right.  I would not take this cancer from her.  Why would I rob her of this life changing experience?

Ashtyn chose this before coming to earth.  She knew the pain she would experience.  She also knew the blessings that would be hers from going through it.  Lives would be changed.  Her life would be changed.  Every moment of her trial will be worth it.  She will never want to give back what she gains and what she learns.  It will be precious to her.  So as a mother, why would I ever take that away from her?  I am happy for her that she is the kind of girl that God has trusted to go through this with faith, strength, and dignity.  God has every confidence in her that she will get through this trial.  I do too.

Fortifying and Gathering Reinforcements

By | Daily Life, Inspirational, Trials, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 7 Comments
We Can Do Hard THings

These cancer bugs with X’s over them are from Ashtyn’s Grandma Poulsen. They are hung in front of Ashtyn’s bed to remind her that she can do hard things and destroy her cancer.

OK Ashtyn’s Army, we are all fortifying our battlefields and preparing for war!  I can feel it! Ashtyn’s Army is increasing in number, strengthening in faith, and rallying in service.  Comments are being heard, prayers are being offered, hearts are being touched, love is being poured out, visits are adding strength, efforts are gathering, children are being taught, adults are growing, friends and family are uniting, and together we are going to kick this cancer’s butt!

Ashtyn’s Army is doing all they can to strengthen her by utilizing their own strengths.  All efforts are empowering and uplifting.

Ashtyn will continue to have visitors come daily to help strengthen her.  One visitor will help guide Ashtyn to her happy place to find peace and hope.  Another will provide music therapy to sing out anger and joy.  Others will come for girl talk.  She will have those who will massage her and provide essential oils.  Pictures will be taken of milestones, dark times, and triumphs.  There will be times for the calm spirited visitors to sit beside her, providing comfort and not requiring anything from her.  Other times she will have visitors that bring laughter.  Words of encouragement and purpose will come.  There are those who will bring in food that she can tolerate.  Already there has been tranquil music, inspiring talks, funny stories, letters written, and uplifting gifts brought.  She’ll continue to read comments and see support on Facebook and her website.  Purpose has been given to Ashtyn knowing that this trial is not a waste of time.  She will know that her pain, struggles, and sacrifice will not be in vain because of the stories being shared of lives already being changed.

Family Army

Laughing with Kristi and Natalie
Family Army

Opening Letters From School - Friend and Community Army

Opening Letters From School
Friend and Community Army

Nurse Entertaining Ashtyn

Nurse Entertaining Ashtyn
Medical Army

Ashtyn is doing her part in preparing and fortifying too.  She is putting on her armor of strength, determination, independence, confidence, perspective, acceptance, and is starting to take charge.  She is being raised up by your prayers and is getting ready to rock this thing.

HER DETERMINATION:  For 12 hours today she forced herself to eat. Every bite was a bite she didn’t want to take, but she did it.  No way was she going to let some stupid NG tube win.  Every day she will tolerate different food.  A great deal of effort was made to provide her with food she could handle.  After much trial and error, this is what she ate today:  cheesecake for breakfast, a cup of homemade creamy potato soup from my friend Angie, a few bites of Ice Cream, one Trader Joe’s yogurt, 32 ounces of rootbeer, a bowl of Top Ramen, one entire cup of noodle soup, a small Red Mango, and ½ can of Sprite.  She did not throw up once! I am guessing close to 1500  calories again.  Way to go Ashtyn!!!!

HER INDEPENDENCE:  She doesn’t get nervous when I leave the room.  When an aide came to weigh her today she made sure to remind me that she needed to wear the mask to go in the hall.  Ashtyn informed me when she needed to brush her teeth. (The appearance of her tongue is changing however no mucositis yet.  Keep praying that she won’t have to deal with the pain that mucositis causes.)  Though there was no desire for a shower tonight, Ashtyn pushed through her fatigue and showered because she knew that showering every other night is important.  She makes sure that the food she eats is correctly written on the dry erase board.  She does her own eye drops and walks with her awkward IV pole on her own to the restroom.

HER CONFIDENCE:  Ashtyn is now able to talk about the future of when she loses her hair without crying.  She is going to pray and ask, since she’ll suffer the loss of her hair, if He would bless her that her hair will grow back straight instead of curly.  Ashtyn has accepted as best she can that she does have cancer.  She now can hear the words “cancer” and “chemotherapy” without falling into a depression.

HER PERSPECTIVE:  Contemplating cancer and the support she has received she said “At the end of this, I will know how many people care.  If I hear that someone else has cancer, I’ll know how they feel and can help them.  I don’t want to work here because I don’t want to see kids in pain, but I’ll volunteer.”

HER ACCEPTANCE:  Last night she asked, “Am I going to be here for a month?”   I paused and admitted, “Yes you will be.”  The tears came, but only for a brief moment as I explained why she has to stay.  “The doctors are trying to get you home for good as soon as possible.  They figured out the best way to accomplish that goal is to put you on different chemotherapy drugs that I can’t give you at home.  You’ll get the chemo for 10 days.  After 10 days you will be done with the chemo but will have to stay in the hospital 20 more days just to make sure you don’t get sick.  You won’t have any ability to fight infection so you’ll need to stay in your clean hospital room to stay safe.”  Miraculously she was quite calm and accepted it.  I remember only a few days ago how distressed she was at the thought of staying for more than a few days.

After only eight days of being in the hospital, Ashtyn has become noticeably stronger mentally and emotionally, preparing for when she becomes physically weaker.  She has done remarkably well during her first four days of chemotherapy, giving her time to build determination and confidence in herself that she can fight this. Only because of your prayers and support could she have done so well. Thank you.

We Can Do Hard Things

My friend Lisa made one of these posters for Ashtyn and one for my other kids

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  Philipians 4:13