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Faith

beautiful Ashtyn

By | Daily Life, Uncategorized | One Comment

My good friend, Lisa Harbertson Photography, took these photos of Ashtyn soon after we were released from the hospital following her bone marrow transplant. We knew Ashtyn’s hair would grow back and we wanted to capture her as she was at that moment. I am so grateful for these photos of my brave girl.

If you like these photos of my sweet girl, go to Lisa Harbertson Photography’s FB page and give her more LIKES, she is an amazing photographer…
https://www.facebook.com/lisaharbertsonphotography
You can also find her website at www.lisaharbertson.com
Below are her words and photos about Ashtyn…

“This is Ashtyn and I am blessed and lucky to call her my friend. I have known her since she was born. My husband and I met her parents when we moved next door into our first apartment as newlyweds. 14 years ago! We became bosom friends. When Ashtyn and her 2 siblings were babies and toddlers they filled up a big hole in our hearts caused by infertility. We loved them like our own children. Years have passed and life is busy, distance in miles has come between us, we have had 4 children of our own (hole in heart is gone thank you to the heavens!) – but we will ALWAys have a special place in our heart for these children. When Ashtyn was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia this past February, our hearts were broken and humbled in prayer for this sweet girl. The things Ashtyn at 12 years old has endured will be more than many of us endure and overcome in a lifetime. Her current health and continued life has only come about with modern medicine and lots and lots and lots of prayers and faith. If you want to be inspired and strengthened, read her story in her own and her mother’s heartfelt words at Ashtyn’s Army.

Ashtyn was recovering from her chemo and bone marrow transplant and was barely home from the hospital when she asked me to capture her in photographs. I really have never felt more honored as a photographer. Not honored that I was asked, but honored that I had the privilege of spending time with her and photographing her at this significant moment in her life. She had beat cancer. Overcome the odds. Was living proof of miracles. When I was alone with her in the room I really felt like I was with an angel. I know that’s what an angel would be like. I asked her to write a few things on paper. She couldn’t write so I wrote for her. After all the pain, grief, and trial she’s endured, she told me to write, “God is Good.” What an example. She walked into my studio as feeble as a 95 year old lady. She had her throw up bag next to her the whole time. We took lots of breaks for rest. In the picture by the tree we were cheering and screaming “you beat cancer!!” – it took her all the energy she could muster to lift her arms up high. It was the middle of Summer and she was shivering with cold and needed a blanket. Yet! Yet here is this 12 year old girl, with a smile on her face and a true sparkle in her eyes. Angel Sparkle!! Like I said, lucky to know her, lucky to spend the evening with her.

I love you Ashtyn. You have made more of an impact on my life than you could ever know. Now you go girl and travel many more roads and watch many more sunsets! You Are Strong.”

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From Ashtyn

By | Daily Life, Looking Up, Spiritual, Trials, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 20 Comments

Beautiful AshtynI was Ashtyn’s scribe tonight as she shared some of her thoughts:

I don’t think Ethan and I, or Morgan and I, or Chandler and I, are going to fight much anymore.  We are closer now even though we aren’t together.  I feel it in my heart.  I can feel them with me.  I’m glad it’s me doing this instead of them.  It breaks my heart to think of them having to go through this.  I hope that none of my family members have to come here.  I don’t care if it’s an adult or kid, nobody deserves to be here.  It is the hardest thing ever.  I hate this place so bad.  It’s not fair.  If I saw family members here I would feel sad and it would break my heart.  I couldn’t stand it if Ethan had to go through this.  He wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I would hate to see Morgan have to go through it too.  She wouldn’t be able to handle it either.  Chandler would be able to handle it better than Morgan and Ethan, but wouldn’t handle it very well.  I am able to handle it because I know more about what leukemia is.  I know a little bit more of the routine here.  Before this, if you asked me if I could handle cancer, I would say “no.”  I couldn’t imagine it.  But now I know I am strong.  I know that I’m worthy of feeling the Spirit and feeling God.  He is the reason I can do this.  I think after I am done with this disease, things wont be so scary anymore.  Before this I couldn’t do shots. It would scare me to do doctor’s check ups.  But now shots are nothing compared to this.  A shot or a check up would be like the smallest thing compared to what I am going through here.

It’s scary here.  It is scary knowing you are in the hospital getting all this medicine and all the IV stuff.  It is scary having doctors concerned about you and talking about scary stuff.  They talk about a bunch of medicine.  They talk about the worst things that can happen.  The scale of things that can happen to me or my body is pretty big.  There are a lot of bad things that can happen.  I’m not talking death and stuff.  Bad things like infections that I can’t fight off, or fevers, or being here a long time.  The physical therapists tell me about what can happen if I don’t walk so it makes me want to walk everyday.  It scares me to walk because I might fall.  My muscles are so weak and aren’t working properly.  It’s hard to walk even a couple of steps to the bathroom.  I need to sit down a lot.  I can’t really move my legs very well.  When I walk in the halls with physical therapy I have to wear a mask that irritates my face that has a rash on it.  I don’t like when nurses and doctors talk about NG tubes.  It’s scary because if I don’t eat enough I will have to get one.  I really want my white blood cells to go up so I can eat and drink.  I really hope I get as big of an appetite as I can.

It’s hard to have the energy to play games.  Basically all day I watch TV, movies, and lay in bed.  I am trying to do all I can so I can take as little medicine as possible.  I don’t take pain medicine anymore for my mouth and throat.  I don’t like being hooked up to stuff.  After showers it feels good to not be hooked up to the IV pole with stuff going into me.  Laying in bed is not that comfortable.  I have to change sides a lot because it hurts my rash if I lay on one side for a long time.  The hardest part about being here is being away from family and knowing that I am in a hospital.  But what gets me through it the most is knowing that I will go home and that God will never leave my side.

It’s scary looking at myself in the mirror without hair on my shoulders.  Thinking about being outside and not having the wind blow my hair or having to pull my hair back kind of scares me.  Sometimes it makes me feel ashamed that I have to be here.  Shaving my head was one of the hardest things.  It made me feel awful.

Once there is hair on my head again, the disease is gone, and I don’t have to worry about cancer,  I will be a better person, sister, and friend.  If anyone goes through a hard trial, I sort of have more experience.  Whether someone is in the hospital or just having a bad day, I know most feelings now.  I know how it feels to suffer awful pain.  I know how it is to be mad about yourself.  I know how it is to be mad at God.  I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and turn away in shame.  I know what it feels like to be trapped, not able to go anywhere.  I know what it feels like to be weak.  I even know how it is to question if there is a God, if the church is true, and if the scriptures are true.  I remember being so sick and yelling at God for not helping me.  I’m kind of mad about being mad at Him because if He wasn’t here, and if I didn’t know about the gospel, I would… I just can’t imagine what it would be like.

I know there is a God and only one true God.  I love Him.  He comforts me everyday.  When I got chemo I couldn’t feel Him but I know He was and is there.  I am so grateful that I know the gospel is true.  I am grateful that I can be worthy to feel the Holy Ghost.  Now I have 100% more faith in Him.  I had a bad trial last year when my parents got divorced.  I thought that would be the worst possible thing that would happen in my life.  I thought I had so much faith and now compared to then, I have more faith than I have ever had.  I feel Him with me.  When I can’t feel Him, I hate it.  I just have to know that He is there, He loves me, and I will be OK if I have faith in Him.

How is this trial going to change me?  I think I will feel better about myself.  I’m going to be stronger.  I will be able to help people with trials and I will be able to give them advice.  I will be a better missionary.  I will have more faith and more love in my heart.  I will have a stronger testimony in the gospel and in Jesus.  I’m glad that someone knows exactly what I am going through.  Every pain and sorrow that I feel, Jesus Christ has felt it.  I am glad that I have someone to talk to because He understands everything.

What was I like before this trial?  I hated my hair.  I hated how it was thick and I had to straighten it everyday.  I should have been more grateful to even have hair.  Before this experience I felt like I was a wimp.  I couldn’t do sports very well.  I couldn’t get shots without freaking out.  I couldn’t stand the thought of needles.  I worried about the smallest things that really don’t matter anymore.  I didn’t have faith in myself.  I didn’t think I could do what everyone else did.  I thought I was bad at everything.  I thought I stunk at running.  I didn’t run the fastest, even though I wasn’t the worst.  I didn’t have faith when we were doing PE.  I didn’t think I could kick the ball far in kickball.  In my brain I would say “no” before I even tried anything.  I didn’t think I could talk to boys or new people.  I didn’t have much faith before tests and thought I would fail.  I thought I was ugly.  I thought I didn’t have cute clothes or cute shoes.  But now that I think about it, I had more confidence than I realized.  Looking back, I did talk to boys.  I remember conversations I had with them.  I remember talking to new people and even made a really good friend that was new this year.  I didn’t realize how many friends I had or how many people cared about me.  I always thought someone was making fun of me behind my back or talking about me.  I thought I was hated.  Now I realize I was worrying about stupid things that really don’t matter.  Once you are in the hospital and going through this, you realize what you had that you never recognized.  I think I never had confidence.  I never believed in myself the way I should have.  I didn’t think I could do anything right.  I didn’t have faith in myself.

After this I think I will have a completely different point of view in life.  I won’t care so much about how I look or how my hair will be.  I won’t try to impress people by being someone I’m not.  I will still care about friends and who I come in contact with.  I will have more faith in myself and know that I can do anything.  At school I will know that a lot of people care.  In PE I will probably be able to do anything that everyone else is doing.  I won’t say “no” before I try.  I won’t be so insecure.  If I do something wrong, it won’t be as big of a deal.  I will just know that I am beautiful.  I will know that I am strong.  I won’t doubt God again.  I will be able to trust Him more.  And I’ll probably not want as much junk food as I did before because now it all sounds gross. Ha Ha.

My mom told me today that when I was really sick (I can’t remember being so sick), I told her that my great grandma Holt, who passed away in November, visited me a couple times. In the post my mom wrote that I said “my great Grandma told me that everything is going to be okay.  She told me to have faith.  She told me to focus on today, hope for a better tomorrow, and know that God has my back.  She told me that I am strong.  She told me not to listen to what people are saying in my room because no one knows what my body can do like I do.”  Thinking that my great Grandma said those things gives me a little bit more determination to go home.  It is kind of like a boost to my spirit.  I believe angels are here guarding me and protecting me.  I can feel it.  I know dead family members have been with me.  They have protected me and helped me get through another day.  I know everyone’s fasts and prayers have helped me.  I probably sometimes don’t know how the prayers have helped me but I know somehow they have.

My rash hasn’t really improved yet but it hasn’t gotten worse.  I still can’t eat or drink much. My legs feel weak. My arms are itchy.  I know everyone prays for me and fasted for me Sunday.  I know the fast will help me soon.  I haven’t lost my faith by me not getting better right away.  I know eventually I will get better in God’s time.  Thank you for your support and for the fasting and prayers for me.  I know each person is helping me.  Each prayer has helped me be able to be stronger.

Faith

By | Inspirational, Looking Up, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I have always found myself looking ahead and planning for the future.  Change has never been a fear of mine.  When things don’t end up how they were envisioned, I adapt.  Naturally I look at Ashtyn’s health the same way.  I don’t know the future, though I can’t help but think about it.  It doesn’t matter what I think will happen, however I can’t help but look ahead.  What do I see for the future?  I’m preparing for Ashtyn to get a bone marrow aspirate in a few weeks that will show she didn’t go into remission with the first round of chemo.  She will then have another month of intense chemo for 10 days with 20 days hospital recovery.  We will then pray that she goes into near remission and then prepare for a bone marrow transplant in May.  I’m preparing myself for a very difficult summer with an extremely tough recovery from the bone marrow transplant.  However in August, Ashtyn and I will return home to further recover from the bone marrow transplant over nine months.  We will then enjoy a wonderful summer of 2014 and rejoice in her health.  We’ll see.

When I first heard that Ashtyn had cancer some thoughts came to my mind.  “Suzanne, this isn’t yours.  God is the orchestrator.  Hand it over to Him.”  Gladly.  I instantly handed over my daughter to God knowing He was completely aware of her and had a plan.  I was not in charge.  It was also clear that this was not about me.  I was simply a member of the orchestra with a part to play, just like everyone else.  I trusted God completely.  I had faith in His will.  I have since been surrounded by peace and comfort.

No, I am not hiding sorrow, despair, anger, or built up stress.  I have always been a “what you see is what you get” person.  When I get upset, you’ll know it.  Sure, at times I feel irritation, exhaustion, and worry about Ashtyn.  Other times I’m bummed that I won’t be able to sleep in my own bed for months or disappointed that I’m not as involved with my other kids as I’d like to be.   However, those feelings come and go quickly.  Most of the time I just feel peace.

As I observe Ashtyn, there seems to be a peace about her as well.  I can see in her countenance that she is being comforted.  She is not in bed suffering as you would think she would be.  Yes it is difficult, however she is tolerating everything with strength and calmness.  She doesn’t want anyone crying for her because she isn’t crying for herself.  She doesn’t want anyone to doubt because she doubts nothing.

Today I asked her brother Chandler (13) how he is feeling.  He said that he has felt “temperate” during this entire month.  He credits the Spirit for that feeling of comfort.  Morgan (10) has felt peace as well.  Her heart is comforted and is only concerned about Ashtyn.  I assured Morgan that Ashtyn truly isn’t suffering as much as one would think.

The word “faith” keeps coming to my mind.  Faith is the reason I am optimistic and at peace.  Faith is the reason Ashtyn has strength and comfort.  Faith is the reason why Chandler feels calm.  Faith is the reason Morgan is joyful.  Faith is why our burdens seem light and we do not fear.  Faith that we know God loves us, is aware, and has a plan.  Faith that God listens and answers prayers according to what is best for us.  Faith that God is merciful and would never allow us to suffer in vain.  Faith that Christ will lighten our burdens.  Faith in ourselves that with God we can do anything.

Faith that “All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.”   D&C  122:7

Faith that “All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God.” Orson F. Whitney

“Faith in God includes faith in His timing.”  Neal A. Maxwell

“Fear is the opposite of faith. Do not be afraid! I do not fear.” Boyd K. Packer

Faith just makes life easier and more joyful.

Ashtyn’s daily gratitude journal:  “I am grateful for cars, my house, TV, cell phone chargers, and that I live in a neighborhood close to a good children’s hospital.”

In Her Own Words

By | Daily Life, Inspirational, Trials, Uncategorized | 18 Comments

Ashtyn Susan PoulsenFROM ASHTYN:
I was at school and didn’t feel well.  I felt like collapsing so I called my mom to pick me up.  She came in and I told her I needed to go to the doctor.  We went to the Holladay Instacare.  I was really scared because I have always hated getting poked with shots.  They poked me five times trying to get some blood to get answers.  Finally they told us to go to Primary Children’s Hospital.  I was flipping out and crying.  When I went home to get my stuff, I was really scared to see doctors, get more pokes, and I didn’t want to spend the night.  Who wouldn’t be scared of the hospital?  Seriously!  My Grandpa Poulsen gave me a blessing.  I do not remember any words but it gave me more comfort than what I had.

After the blessing we went straight to the car and headed off with our stuff.  My mom drove her car.  I went in my dad’s car, just me and him.  We talked.  He said that whatever happens was meant to happen.  That gave me even more comfort so I was calm and peaceful.  When I got to the hospital they gave me one poke to get more blood.  They told me that it could be mono or leukemia or aplastic anemia.  That took all of my comfort away and I was crying and hoping that I wouldn’t have leukemia.  The doctors kept talking about leukemia and that made me even more frustrated.  Then they told us to spend the night.  I thought I would only spend one night and go home in the morning.

A few days later when I found out I had leukemia I cried.  I was scared to be in the hospital longer and I didn’t know what to do.  I felt lost and couldn’t feel the Spirit.  But after a few days I realized that leukemia is not as scary as you think it is.  The word is scarier than what it really is.  I knew that I would be better soon and that God would give me strength to do whatever I had to do to get better.  Not that it’s not scary but it’s not as scary as I thought it would be.

I learned that I will lose my hair.  They need to give me medicine so I can get better and the medicine will take my hair.  I am willing to give God my hair and He will give me strength for whatever they do around here.

My bone marrow procedure was the first time I had a procedure with falling asleep.  I was scared but at the end it really wasn’t anything.  Now that I know what kind of things they do here I am prepared for more procedures and I am prepared for anything….except the NG tube.  Before my CT scans I had to have an NG tube to give me liquid needed for my CT scan.  It was one of the worst… actually it was the worst thing I have had to do here so far.  Now they tell me to have 1500 calories a day.  If I don’t do a very good job at eating the calories, I will have to have another NG tube.  I am trying my very best and forcing food down me.  Even though its hard eating, I think it’s worth not having the tube.  The tube is awful!  Today I felt so full and nauseated.  I threw up around 5pm.  Throwing up is still better than having an NG tube.  I will not give up because I know that I can prove these doctors wrong.  After I threw up, I let my stomach settle for about an hour and then I had some KFC macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t throw up again tonight.

I hate this place. A lot.  I am so annoyed when doctors come in my room.  I hate when the doctors come in, sit down, and talk to me.  It seems like their mouths never stop moving and it annoys me.  I sometimes feel stuffy because my room is so small.  I feel I need to breath a little.  I hate being closed in.  I just want to go outside and take a breather.  That sounds nice, just to go outside.  I hate the fact I am a patient.  I don’t like getting so much medicine.  I do not like some freaky nurses.  I hate when hospital people come in and ask me personal stuff and they never seem to leave.  It’s just not cool.  I don’t like being hooked up to an IV pole.  I hate eating so much.  It seems like I am always eating or my mom is always nagging me to eat.  I don’t like throwing up but sometimes in the end it feels better.  I hate the idea of all of this hospital crap.  I hate all the medical words.  I hate how I am woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.   I hate being away from home and family.

I like visitors and all the cards that people write me.  I like the stuffed animals and presents.  I like to be able to sit in bed all day… well maybe not.  I like that I’m not needing to do any school right now.  I like the thought that I will go home soon…. I mean eventually.  I know that everyday I am here, I am another day closer to being done with this sickness.  Everyday I am here is a day closer to being able to go home.  I haven’t been bored because of all the presents and stuff people have given me.  I know a lot of people are supporting me, loving me, and praying for me.  It gives me more hope and makes me want to fight harder because I can’t let down the Army.  Thank you for all the support and love that you send me.  I am glad to have such wonderful people beside me.  That’s amazing how strangers are reading about me and are concerned about me.  It’s awesome to have friends to lean on and know they’ve got my back.  I love when my family comes to visit.  I love their support and love for me.  As much as I love my siblings, I try not to think much about them.  It makes me so sad to think about them and makes me miss them more.  My mom and dad are always there for me.  My mom is always here in the hospital with me and my dad tries to be here as much as he possibly can with his work schedule.

Sometimes I feel sad.  Sometimes I feel scared.  Sometimes I feel energetic and fired up to do this.  Other days I feel hopeless.  But at the end of the day, I feel ready for whatever’s going to come to me next.

I know that God gives me strength every day and He helps me in everything I do.  He understands what I am going through.  I know angels are surrounding me and protecting me.  I can just feel it.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I know something good is going to come out of this.  I know everyone’s prayers are helping me.  Prayers work.