I was really in a funk. I was sad and depressed. I was wasted. I was empty. Totally drained. The past few months took all my fight in me. I didn’t have the urge to keep fighting anymore. I was tired of fighting. Tired of spending time at the hospital. Tired of being sick. Tired of having cancer in my life. But after I threw up my NG tube I realized I have to snap out of it, build up all the energy I can, and do three more months. I am going to get rid of this cancer for good and keep building up to be a better person. I am going to not let my body tell me what to do. I am going to be in charge of my body from now on. I am not going to let it win. I am not going to let this cancer beat me. I am not going to let it get the better of me. I am not going to let it ruin who I am. It almost ruined who I was. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t making my body fight. Instead I was laying around, letting my body be sick.
Before, I tried so hard to avoid the NG tube. When they told me I had to get one placed I thought, “well this means I’m not strong anymore.” That one thought added to more and more thoughts, “I can’t do this” and “I am not strong enough.” The transplant was scaring me too. I thought, “How can I do it?” I didn’t understand why I had to do all of this. I wished I could just be done with it all and just quit. Just say, “I am done,” drop it, not do the hospital stuff, and not do the transplant. What I really need to do is build up all my strength and just go through a couple of months of this, be done with it, and say “I officially beat cancer!” It will be a short little memory.
Since I have to do a few more months I want to make every day count. I want to do my best every day. I want to try and exercise and try to get all the nutrients I can. I want to try and find positive things in everything because I know there are positives in everything. When I’m not in the hospital I want to get out and enjoy the world outside of the hospital. When I am inside the hospital I want to have a laptop and write a book about my trials and my journey. I know it sounds weird, but I want to enjoy being in the hospital. When I am done with the bone marrow transplant I won’t spend nights in the hospital anymore. While I am in the hospital I want to enjoy all the nurses and staff. I want to enjoy the really deep spiritual, temple-like feeling that is there. I want to enjoy spending so much time with my mom because when we are out of the hospital I won’t constantly be in the same room as her. One of my favorite nurses gave me the idea to learn to play the ukulele or guitar in the hospital. That thought has always stuck as a fun idea. I think it would be fun to learn to play and then show him what I can do.
I have really good and positive thoughts about the transplant. I know that God will have my back and it’s all going to be ok. I am going to have my mom there the whole time. Right now I can imagine my future. I can see myself going to my mom’s house to visit her while my kids are at school. We will sit on the couch and talk. She’ll say, “Ashtyn do you remember all those months we spent in the hospital?” And we can just talk about it. She was there with me through the entire thing and knows more than anyone what I went through.
When I feel down during the transplant I will be able to read all the comments on my blog and Facebook which will give me that extra boost. It really comforts me to know that I have so many people out there following me and supporting me. Whenever anyone comes up to me and tells me they have been reading my blog, I feel like I know them. They know what I have been through and it makes me so happy to have people care. When someone tells me that they are following me, I have an instant love for them. I wish I could reply to all the comments I get. I do read all of them. I care about all of them and they make me happy. I don’t think of people who follow me as strangers. I think of them as part of my Army and my close friends. We are all in this together. I can’t wait to have a big party. I am going to invite every single person in my army and would love to talk to all of them. Without Ashtyn’s Army, this trial would be so much more hard to deal with. They take such a load off my shoulders. I am really grateful I have so many people supporting me.
When I’m really sad or sick, not only do I have the Army fighting with me I also have angels. It’s like what Mattie and Kim commented about on Facebook about the pioneers who felt angels pushing their handcarts when they didn’t have the strength to do it on their own. Francis Webster said, “We suffered beyond anything you can imagine, we came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives, for we became acquainted with Him in our extremities. I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it, the handcart began pushing me. I have looked back several times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there.” I really do feel angels have been pushing my cart along the way.
I am surprised that going under anesthesia doesn’t scare me anymore. I am surprised that I’m not scared to go to surgery to get my new central line tomorrow. I am surprised I can drive to the hospital without flipping out and not being insanely scared. I can talk to people without being shy. I can do amazing things, much more amazing than I thought I could do. I now know all these medical terms. I can talk to my dad about all these medicines. It’s so weird. It’s so surprising what I can do now. I thought I was strong before this. The divorce made me so strong but now words can’t describe how amazed I am with myself. I wouldn’t be anywhere near like this without God. I am nothing without Him.