Category

Spiritual

From Ashtyn

By | Daily Life, Looking Up, Spiritual, Trials, Triumphs, Uncategorized | 20 Comments

Beautiful AshtynI was Ashtyn’s scribe tonight as she shared some of her thoughts:

I don’t think Ethan and I, or Morgan and I, or Chandler and I, are going to fight much anymore.  We are closer now even though we aren’t together.  I feel it in my heart.  I can feel them with me.  I’m glad it’s me doing this instead of them.  It breaks my heart to think of them having to go through this.  I hope that none of my family members have to come here.  I don’t care if it’s an adult or kid, nobody deserves to be here.  It is the hardest thing ever.  I hate this place so bad.  It’s not fair.  If I saw family members here I would feel sad and it would break my heart.  I couldn’t stand it if Ethan had to go through this.  He wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I would hate to see Morgan have to go through it too.  She wouldn’t be able to handle it either.  Chandler would be able to handle it better than Morgan and Ethan, but wouldn’t handle it very well.  I am able to handle it because I know more about what leukemia is.  I know a little bit more of the routine here.  Before this, if you asked me if I could handle cancer, I would say “no.”  I couldn’t imagine it.  But now I know I am strong.  I know that I’m worthy of feeling the Spirit and feeling God.  He is the reason I can do this.  I think after I am done with this disease, things wont be so scary anymore.  Before this I couldn’t do shots. It would scare me to do doctor’s check ups.  But now shots are nothing compared to this.  A shot or a check up would be like the smallest thing compared to what I am going through here.

It’s scary here.  It is scary knowing you are in the hospital getting all this medicine and all the IV stuff.  It is scary having doctors concerned about you and talking about scary stuff.  They talk about a bunch of medicine.  They talk about the worst things that can happen.  The scale of things that can happen to me or my body is pretty big.  There are a lot of bad things that can happen.  I’m not talking death and stuff.  Bad things like infections that I can’t fight off, or fevers, or being here a long time.  The physical therapists tell me about what can happen if I don’t walk so it makes me want to walk everyday.  It scares me to walk because I might fall.  My muscles are so weak and aren’t working properly.  It’s hard to walk even a couple of steps to the bathroom.  I need to sit down a lot.  I can’t really move my legs very well.  When I walk in the halls with physical therapy I have to wear a mask that irritates my face that has a rash on it.  I don’t like when nurses and doctors talk about NG tubes.  It’s scary because if I don’t eat enough I will have to get one.  I really want my white blood cells to go up so I can eat and drink.  I really hope I get as big of an appetite as I can.

It’s hard to have the energy to play games.  Basically all day I watch TV, movies, and lay in bed.  I am trying to do all I can so I can take as little medicine as possible.  I don’t take pain medicine anymore for my mouth and throat.  I don’t like being hooked up to stuff.  After showers it feels good to not be hooked up to the IV pole with stuff going into me.  Laying in bed is not that comfortable.  I have to change sides a lot because it hurts my rash if I lay on one side for a long time.  The hardest part about being here is being away from family and knowing that I am in a hospital.  But what gets me through it the most is knowing that I will go home and that God will never leave my side.

It’s scary looking at myself in the mirror without hair on my shoulders.  Thinking about being outside and not having the wind blow my hair or having to pull my hair back kind of scares me.  Sometimes it makes me feel ashamed that I have to be here.  Shaving my head was one of the hardest things.  It made me feel awful.

Once there is hair on my head again, the disease is gone, and I don’t have to worry about cancer,  I will be a better person, sister, and friend.  If anyone goes through a hard trial, I sort of have more experience.  Whether someone is in the hospital or just having a bad day, I know most feelings now.  I know how it feels to suffer awful pain.  I know how it is to be mad about yourself.  I know how it is to be mad at God.  I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and turn away in shame.  I know what it feels like to be trapped, not able to go anywhere.  I know what it feels like to be weak.  I even know how it is to question if there is a God, if the church is true, and if the scriptures are true.  I remember being so sick and yelling at God for not helping me.  I’m kind of mad about being mad at Him because if He wasn’t here, and if I didn’t know about the gospel, I would… I just can’t imagine what it would be like.

I know there is a God and only one true God.  I love Him.  He comforts me everyday.  When I got chemo I couldn’t feel Him but I know He was and is there.  I am so grateful that I know the gospel is true.  I am grateful that I can be worthy to feel the Holy Ghost.  Now I have 100% more faith in Him.  I had a bad trial last year when my parents got divorced.  I thought that would be the worst possible thing that would happen in my life.  I thought I had so much faith and now compared to then, I have more faith than I have ever had.  I feel Him with me.  When I can’t feel Him, I hate it.  I just have to know that He is there, He loves me, and I will be OK if I have faith in Him.

How is this trial going to change me?  I think I will feel better about myself.  I’m going to be stronger.  I will be able to help people with trials and I will be able to give them advice.  I will be a better missionary.  I will have more faith and more love in my heart.  I will have a stronger testimony in the gospel and in Jesus.  I’m glad that someone knows exactly what I am going through.  Every pain and sorrow that I feel, Jesus Christ has felt it.  I am glad that I have someone to talk to because He understands everything.

What was I like before this trial?  I hated my hair.  I hated how it was thick and I had to straighten it everyday.  I should have been more grateful to even have hair.  Before this experience I felt like I was a wimp.  I couldn’t do sports very well.  I couldn’t get shots without freaking out.  I couldn’t stand the thought of needles.  I worried about the smallest things that really don’t matter anymore.  I didn’t have faith in myself.  I didn’t think I could do what everyone else did.  I thought I was bad at everything.  I thought I stunk at running.  I didn’t run the fastest, even though I wasn’t the worst.  I didn’t have faith when we were doing PE.  I didn’t think I could kick the ball far in kickball.  In my brain I would say “no” before I even tried anything.  I didn’t think I could talk to boys or new people.  I didn’t have much faith before tests and thought I would fail.  I thought I was ugly.  I thought I didn’t have cute clothes or cute shoes.  But now that I think about it, I had more confidence than I realized.  Looking back, I did talk to boys.  I remember conversations I had with them.  I remember talking to new people and even made a really good friend that was new this year.  I didn’t realize how many friends I had or how many people cared about me.  I always thought someone was making fun of me behind my back or talking about me.  I thought I was hated.  Now I realize I was worrying about stupid things that really don’t matter.  Once you are in the hospital and going through this, you realize what you had that you never recognized.  I think I never had confidence.  I never believed in myself the way I should have.  I didn’t think I could do anything right.  I didn’t have faith in myself.

After this I think I will have a completely different point of view in life.  I won’t care so much about how I look or how my hair will be.  I won’t try to impress people by being someone I’m not.  I will still care about friends and who I come in contact with.  I will have more faith in myself and know that I can do anything.  At school I will know that a lot of people care.  In PE I will probably be able to do anything that everyone else is doing.  I won’t say “no” before I try.  I won’t be so insecure.  If I do something wrong, it won’t be as big of a deal.  I will just know that I am beautiful.  I will know that I am strong.  I won’t doubt God again.  I will be able to trust Him more.  And I’ll probably not want as much junk food as I did before because now it all sounds gross. Ha Ha.

My mom told me today that when I was really sick (I can’t remember being so sick), I told her that my great grandma Holt, who passed away in November, visited me a couple times. In the post my mom wrote that I said “my great Grandma told me that everything is going to be okay.  She told me to have faith.  She told me to focus on today, hope for a better tomorrow, and know that God has my back.  She told me that I am strong.  She told me not to listen to what people are saying in my room because no one knows what my body can do like I do.”  Thinking that my great Grandma said those things gives me a little bit more determination to go home.  It is kind of like a boost to my spirit.  I believe angels are here guarding me and protecting me.  I can feel it.  I know dead family members have been with me.  They have protected me and helped me get through another day.  I know everyone’s fasts and prayers have helped me.  I probably sometimes don’t know how the prayers have helped me but I know somehow they have.

My rash hasn’t really improved yet but it hasn’t gotten worse.  I still can’t eat or drink much. My legs feel weak. My arms are itchy.  I know everyone prays for me and fasted for me Sunday.  I know the fast will help me soon.  I haven’t lost my faith by me not getting better right away.  I know eventually I will get better in God’s time.  Thank you for your support and for the fasting and prayers for me.  I know each person is helping me.  Each prayer has helped me be able to be stronger.

24 Hour Focus

By | Looking Up, Prayers, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 12 Comments

I couldn’t say it better than Shelley.  “I can’t wait to dedicate our family’s fast for Ashtyn this Sunday so that her white blood cell count will go up and that she can go and spend time with her family, and that her rash and sores in her mouth heal quickly. I have never been so excited to look forward to a day of fasting.  Ashtyn’s Army, here is our chance to fast. I think it would be nice if we all close our fast at the same time and try to get everyone to kneel down (on Sunday) at 5:00 pm and say a prayer. There is power in numbers. Then, let’s sit back and watch as miracles happen!”

Ashtyn is in need of your prayers and fasting.  We are asking anyone who can to fast and pray Saturday into Sunday.  She is in need of three specific blessings.  1. For her rash to go away.  2. For her throat to feel better.  3. For her total white blood cell count to go up and her ANC to rise to 1000.

Please pray that her full body rash will disappear so that she is no longer itchy and uncomfortable.  Pray that her throat will heal and stop hurting so she can eat and drink without pain or difficulty.  Also, Ashtyn really needs to produce enough white blood cells to go home soon, recover further at home, and be able to go to Disneyland in a couple weeks before having to return to the hospital.  The doctors agreed that if Ashtyn’s absolute neutrophil count (ANC, the number of white blood cells that fight infection) increases to 1000, she can go to Disneyland.  Ashtyn has a ways to go.  Currently her ANC is zero.  Our hope and prayer is that Ashtyn will be able to recover from this round of chemo enough to have an ANC of at least 1000.  We would love for her to enjoy a week at home followed by four days in Disneyland before heading back to the hospital for another month of chemo.  As Shelley said, there is power in numbers.  With your faith, fasting, prayers, and positive thoughts, I expect to sit back and watch as miracles happen.

The ODells’ commented,  “Ashtyn and all the family, we are offering our prayers at daily mass (and during the day and night) for a speedy recovery and alleviation of the pain and discomfort. We keep in touch through your daily postings and marvel at the outpouring of love from “your Army.”  We love you all and look forward to the posting of you walking out that door and saying “Disneyland, here I come!”

That’s our goal.  “Disneyland, here we come!”

“There is power in unity and there is power in numbers.” – Martin Luther King

Ashtyn’s daily gratitude journal: “Today I am grateful for socks, the ability to be able to walk, comfy pajamas, nice nurses, and my mom.”

She Chose This

By | Daily Life, Miracle, Spiritual, Trials, Uncategorized | 18 Comments

Ashtyn and I are spending our 25th night in the hospital.  She is no longer being kept awake by nausea, vomiting, coughing, mucous, diarrhea, bloody noses, restroom runs every two hours, shortness of breath with fluid in her lungs, or an extremely swollen mouth.  She isn’t suffering from a high temperature, high heart rate, or high respiratory rate.  For this we are grateful.  For this my heart rejoices.

Tonight Ashtyn was being kept awake because of sadness.  Sorrow that she can’t go home.  Sad for losing her hair.  Worn out from the pain.  I don’t know what it feels like.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to leave the hospital.  I don’t know what it feels like to lose my hair.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to eat or drink.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed and walk around on my own.  I don’t know what it feels like to be stuck to an IV pole with medications constantly going into my system.  I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to shower and go to the restroom in privacy.  I don’t know what it feels like to have strangers coming into my room all the time asking, “How are you?” when clearly I am not OK.   I don’t know what it feels like to have visitors come, only to have them leave and know that I can’t leave with them.  I don’t know what it feels like to have constant pain in my mouth and throat, even though I should be happy they are healing.  I don’t know what it feels like to have leg pain and not feel like rejoicing that it’s a sign the bone marrow is starting to make cells.  I don’t know what it feels like to not want to think about life outside the hospital and what I am missing out on.  I don’t know what it feels like to not allow myself to think of what used to make me happy because those things would only make me sad.  I don’t know what it feels like to have no control over anything other than what side of my body I sleep on, what finger the oxygen monitor goes on, and what TV station or music is playing.

Ashtyn Sleeping WIth Picture Of Jesus

Ashtyn Sleeping WIth Picture Of Jesus

Tonight Ashtyn finally fell asleep at 4:30 am listening to Pandora’s LDS Hymns and looking at a picture of Christ loving children.

When I see the physical and emotional pain Ashtyn is going through, I feel sad and have shed tears with and for her.  However, if I had the ability to take this cancer away from her, I wouldn’t. You heard me right.  I would not take this cancer from her.  Why would I rob her of this life changing experience?

Ashtyn chose this before coming to earth.  She knew the pain she would experience.  She also knew the blessings that would be hers from going through it.  Lives would be changed.  Her life would be changed.  Every moment of her trial will be worth it.  She will never want to give back what she gains and what she learns.  It will be precious to her.  So as a mother, why would I ever take that away from her?  I am happy for her that she is the kind of girl that God has trusted to go through this with faith, strength, and dignity.  God has every confidence in her that she will get through this trial.  I do too.

Life Is Good

By | Daily Life, Inspirational, Looking Up, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 10 Comments

Wednesday night was awful.  Ashtyn went to bed around midnight.  I turned the lights off close to 2:30 am, and at 4:30 am Ashtyn woke up and the only thing she could whisper was, “Mom, lay with me.” Sometimes she likes me to lay in her bed and other times she doesn’t   I asked her, as I often do, how much pain she was in on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no pain, 10 being the worst pain imaginable.  She softly said, “10”.  Ashtyn didn’t speak the rest of the night.  I am so grateful she knew what to say that gave me the insight into what she needed.  She needed me to lay in bed and help get her pain under control.  Throughout the night she had a low dose of morphine continuously going through her central line.  In addition to that dose she was allowed to press a button every 10 minutes that gave her extra amounts of morphine.  Ideally she is suppose to push the button on her own when she feels her pain getting worse.  Last night her pain was so intense she couldn’t even push the morphine button.  From 4:30 am until 9:30 am I laid beside her pushing her morphine button every 10 minutes.  I don’t think her pain level ever got below an “8” but at least pushing the button helped.  By 10 am the doctors came to her room and finally increased her maintenance morphine from 0.3 mg/hour to 1.0 mg/hour.  They also increased the amount of morphine from 0.5 mg to 1.0 mg every time she pushes the button.  On top of that they gave her an extra 4 mg dose initially just to get her pain under control.  With peace knowing she was feeling better, I fell asleep and slept until 1 pm.  Ashtyn slept until 3:30 pm.

When I woke up I felt emotionless, burnt out, and numb.  I felt nothing.  I was just existing in a small room by myself with nothing to feel.  A nurse informed me that while I was sleeping a friend had brought her therapy dog to see Ashtyn and another friend had stopped by to say hi.  Miraculously messages and texts started coming from Ashtyn’s Army.  My cousin and his wife from the DC area sent me an email voucher for a 2 hour house cleaning service.  My sister Alisa called to tell me she was going to stop by soon and bring me lunch.  Ashtyn received a bag of gifts from Jason’s work.  Jeni dropped by a box of valentines from Ashtyn’s elementary school.  Two separate youth church leaders brought Valentine’s cards.  Messages of encouragement continued to come from the blog and Facebook.

Are you kidding me?  Have we forgotten how good this world is?  Have we been fooled to think there is no compassion and love left?  Has the negativity of our times clouded our eyes making it difficult to see all the positives?  Does bad seem to dominate good?  I don’t believe for one second that the power of good isn’t running rampant around the world.

With Ashtyn’s Army, how could I not immediately feel full?  How could Ashtyn not completely feel loved?  The power of Ashtyn’s Army is strong.  Some day soon I will write a post on the miracles Ashtyn’s Army has brought into my family’s and Ashtyn’s life.  It’s incredible.

I am so proud of Ashtyn today.  She struggled with such pain from mucositis and never cowered away.  In all her misery she allowed me to help her with a shower.  Even though she threw up in a blue plastic bag while in the shower, she pressed forward.  Ashtyn brushed her hair and teeth and did her oral care with mouth wash.  She forced herself to swallow two pills morning and night that aren’t available in IV form.  Can you imagine swallowing anything let alone pills with a completely raw throat?  Under the direction of the nurse, Ashtyn let me do her sterile dressing change for her central line and she even helped me take off the sticky tape of her old dressing.

Today her temperature ranged from 101.6 to 104.4 degrees.  In the last couple of days the nurses have drawn blood to test if Ashtyn has an infection.  I am not surprised that her blood cultures have not grown any bacteria.  For now the thought is her temperature is a natural response to the chemo and mucositis.  Referring back to my post “Nowhere I’d Rather Be” I shared,  “ I believe she did have an infection of some sort, and whatever infection she had was healed using the power of God.”  I still believe had she not received a blessing from her Stake President on Tuesday night, her blood cultures would have come back positive for an infection.  But for now, she is well.

At 5 pm I was feeling good.  Jason had come up after work to be with Ashtyn and the love and support from Ashtyn’s Army surrounded us.  The doctor came into the room with a smile on her face and said, “I have news about the lab work.  Chandler has been matched and is able to be the bone marrow transplant donor for Ashtyn.”  What an amazing moment that was for us.  I immediately called Chandler.  He reacted like a boy receiving an Xbox for Christmas.  God is so kind.  Referring to my post “I Could Not Have Planned It Better Myself” I wrote,  “From the moment I felt a bone marrow transplant was likely, I have always thought it would be Chandler who would be the donor.”  In that same post I wrote of the dream Ashtyn’s 10 year old sister Morgan had, “…They compared my tube with Ashtyn’s.  It was not a match.  They compared Ethan’s tube with Ashtyn’s.  It was not a match.  Then they compared yours (Chandler) with Ashtyn’s and it was a match.”

There are many different explanations that can be said about our previous feelings and comments.  It can be said to be a coincidence, a lucky guess, or intuition. To me it doesn’t really matter what others call it.  For me I call it revelation.  “Revelation is communication from God to His children.  This guidance comes through various channels according to the needs and circumstances of individuals and families.  According to our faithfulness, we can receive revelation to help us with our specific personal needs, responsibilities, and questions.”  Morgan had a dream.  I had a quiet spiritual prompting.  Cool!!!

I started the day feeling empty with no emotions and ended the day full of joy.  I love my life.  Yep. I LOVE MY LIFE.  Even living in the hospital, watching my daughter suffer in pain, not knowing what each day will bring other than a lack of sleep and constant medical procedures.  I am away from Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan whom I adore.  I no longer live the life of carpooling, gym, tending my nieces, friends, family time, and being at home.  I am grateful for the life that God has handed to me.  We have a Heavenly Father who cares and has a plan for us. We have a Savior who understands completely and lightens our burdens.  I have four remarkable, special children.  I have friends, family, and Ashtyn’s Army that are raising me up everyday.  Life is good.

I Need Thee Every Hour

By | Inspirational, Prayers, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 26 Comments

There are no words that can explain the spirit those men brought to Ashtyn’s room. There is no way I can explain the power that was there. I believe Vocal Point came to the hospital today for Ashtyn. They might have lifted other children and families as well, but they were sent for Ashtyn. I am so grateful I pushed through the thought of “I’m too tired to go to church” and went. It was a blessing that I knew Cheri and that she encouraged them to go to Ashtyn’s room at the time they did. I’m grateful that no medical staff stopped 12+ people as they walked through the locked doors and past several nurse’s stations to Ashtyn’s room. I feel watched over that Ashtyn had a nurse who was compassionate enough to recognize the benefits outweighed the risk of having so many at her bedside.

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